How To Talk

Social occasions for conversation range from small, comfortable gatherings, like a dinner party among friends, to big, intimidating crowd scenes, like a Washington cocktail. In between are events like weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Each one is different, but the principles of conversation are the same: Be open. Find the common ground with your partner. And, always, listen.

Cocktail parties are a difficult challenge for me. I’m happiest talking with people one on one, so I find a crowd of people in a noisy room a little overwhelming. I don’t drink alcohol, and I’m not that big on soft drinks, so I don’t have a glass in my hand to use as a prop in conversation. And I tend to fold my arms across my chest, which just happens to be comfortable for me but may make me look less open to starting a conversation.

Remember, asking questions is the secret of good conversation. I’m curious about everything, and if I’m at a cocktail party, I often ask my favorite question: “Why?” If a man tells me that he and his family are moving to another city: “Why?” A woman is changing jobs: “Why?” Someone roots for the Mets: “Why?”

If you find yourself stuck with a real bore, or simply feel it’s time to end a long conversation and move on, there’s always one guaranteed way to get out of the conversation: “Excuse me. I have to visit the restroom.” If you make it sound urgent enough, no one will take offense at your departure. When you come back, you start another conversation, only this time with someone else.

Making conversation at a small dinner always comes easier for me. I think a lot of people feel this way. Usually, at this kind of party, the guests know each other or at least are there because of something they have in common. You have more choices and more techniques available to you in talking to others and getting them to talk to you.

I’ll talk more about what-ifs later, these are hypothetical questions that all the guests will have an opinion about. It’s better to start with something like that than with a heavy-duty topic like politics.